Claim Your Calm with the "Let Them" Theory (Mel Robbins)

How great would it feel to be free of other people’s negativity or drama? The good news is that greater calm and happiness are entirely possible.  But we can’t wait for others to change. It’s up to us to protect our peace, and it’s not as hard as we may think. Today I’m going to give you 5 ways to get there, and you will love the new freedom that you feel.

One of my all time favorite quotes from Viktor Frankl: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In OUR response lies our growth and our freedom.” Choose emotional freedom or stay stuck. What would you choose? I’m pretty sure it would be freedom and growth. it’s great to want that; now we’ll talk about HOW we can get there.  

1.Become Aware of Your Emotions

What are you feeling when you get upset or triggered? Are you feeling angry, disappointed, frustrated, or trapped? Look inside yourself  and—in the words of Dr Dan Siegal, name it to tame it.  Once you have that name, that awareness, (Like – Oh, I am getting really frustrated…) you are in a much better position to catch yourself before you react.

2. Pause

Think about what you are feeling:

What is your mind telling you?

What does your body tell you? Headache, stomach in knots, tightness in shoulders,  

What does your gut tell you – "Something is off here – I don’t believe a word they’re saying." Make a mental note or journal about what you notice.

3. Choose your Response

You know the outcome you are hoping for. Though you can’t control how the other person receives your message, how you convey it is entirely up to you. On thing for sure, you do not want to put anyone on the defensive.   You want them to be able to hear what you have to say. WE;ve all heard the expression, Read the room. This is the time to read/ understand them.

Yet… if things are escalating, as they sometimes do, the best choice is:

4. Take a Break and Resume Later

If you’re boiling mad, or beyond sad, it may not be the best time to engage in conversation. Agree to take a break, collect yourself and recenter and return at a time that is better.

5. The “Let Them” Theory – this is from the amazing Mel Robbins and it offers tremendous freedom and growth. I love this and it’s a game changer in SO many contexts.

How it works:

If the situation or person is not in your control, don’t try to take over. I’m warning you, if you are a people pleaser, or a people “fixer”, or a people “saver, your first instinct is probably to swoop in and find a solution, take control and “make it better.” The challenge here is to resist the urge! Don’t try to change them or save the day.

Some examples:

·      If your child forgets their lunch, or books or assignment, don’t drive it to school for them. it’s better for them to deal with the natural consequences. Let them.

·      Doing their homework may make you feel temporarily better, but it doesn’t help them grow, and take personal responsibility. If they have to be late on an assignment, let them.

·      If an adult child wants to quit an amazing job that looks great on paper but makes them miserable, it’s not your place to stand in their way. They need to drive their own life - let them.

·      My husband drinks diet coke, which yes, people like, but it is not healthy whatsoever. After many years of going on and off in the role of the food police, I’m officially retired. If he wants to drink diet coke, I'll let him...

·      This holds for harder stuff too. For example, if someone you know keeps on dating men that are narcissists – you see the writing on the wall - why can’t she? After spending untold time, trying to convince her, and repeatedly picking up her shattered heart  again, understand that this is a pattern that only she can break. Next time this situation comes up, stand back, leave it to her make her own choices. It’s only then that  she can choose to try a different path. Let her.

·      If someone you love is addicted to alcohol or substances, absolutely provide options, but you can’t force a permanent change. IT’s said that “Nobody gets sober until they are ready.” They must, in their own timeframe, even if it’s messy, find the inner resources. Let them…

I’m not saying this is instinctive, but for your own emotional peace, tap into the power of NOT reacting. Let them choose their own path.

Use the words “Let them” to detach yourself from the tethers of your disappointment, anger, anxiety or fear. If you’re not in control of the situation, don’t make yourself sick about it. Trying to control others doesn’t work. Give yourself the peace of trusting that life is the best teacher – and people will learn as they go; that’s how it’s designed. Let them learn from life and be who they are.

Your job is to:  let people be who they are, be aware of what’s happening in you, go with your flow, and protect your peace. Dr Amy Johnson compares forcing control with rowing a boat upstream. It’s hard. When you let go of the oars, the boat will circle back to going with the flow.

Swooping in to help others sounds great on paper, but the real truth is that you end up enabling someone’s escape from their own responsibilities, AND they never get to make their mistakes and get stronger from them. Give yourself a break, stop micro-managing – go with your flow, and notice how much freedom you feel.